Friday, October 7, 2011

A letter to ayah

Dear ayah,

As salam.

I watched a movie today; 'Dear John'. it was about war & love. there is this one part where; when his father was bed ridden, he wrote a letter, gave to his dad, end up reading it. Also today I learnt that the founder of Apple had died today: 1955-2011. You're 1950.

Ayah I'm 21 you're coming to 61. I'm getting old, you're not that young. I know I shouldn't be thinking of this but I do, cause I know you'll go. Sometimes I wish I could go first, but that would only hurt you further won't it? I can't let that happen. Is it possible that if any one of us go, we go together? Can or would Allah s.w.t. grant that?

Remember when i was around 5 and  you'd read the doa al-Fatihah & al-Ikhlas before leaving me alone to sleep. Then the time when I'm in primary I think, I'd get scared due to TV influences and would want to sleep over your room every night up till mama hated me- I got scared her scolding me that I'd just at the hall sofa in front of your door every night even though I promised I wont- just wanted your presence. Then time passed by, got into UiTM, there was this one time when I cried to you cos I thought I'd fail accounts? The first and only time yet. I was studying and studying. For 3 days straight. But I couldn't see anything that made sense. for a moment it felt like i had nothing & empty- i was scared. Of failing you. I've lived with rejections all my life except yours, I know you'd condemn, you'd be mad, you'd criticize but I know you've never totally rejected me- perhaps only of my stupidity but not me as a whole. So when that happens, when i feel that i was going to fail, I called cause I  couldn't bear the thought of you seeing me as a failure-rejecting me. I know you wouldn't I just can't risk it. Risking your faith in me.

Every time I hear you having the need, the necessity of the hospital, I'd cry a little inside. I know I have to be strong and that Allah knows best, but its hard, it really is. You need the rest, you want to see me succeed that pushes you to work and thinning the chances of fulfilling my need of having you.

 when ibu left, you really were strong weren't you? 2 kids in your hands, and still having to earn your living and ours.

You probably won't see this, but I really just want tell & hope you know that I really love you that. though it doesn't show. And just so you know, if you go it would be very hard to let go. I hate how you always have to put up with people's craps and bullsh*ts.

I love you.

your only daughter. :)

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