Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Hands off my heart

This post is inspired by the song MKTO - Hands off my heart

2017, 27 years old. 
The world is becoming much more foreign to me each day.

I am more of an old school person, I wear my heart on my sleeve- no games, if I am interested I'll tell you, if I am not- I'll express the disinterest as well. Because of this, I've been viewed as 'desperate' or 'prude' by these 'open minded' and 'liberal' people- maybe I am, but I would think that if a person is open minded they would have been able to understand people better (how others are more traditional in their views, how some are skeptical, how some are obscene and so on and so forth) as their mind are 'open', but hey who am I to dictate the free mind of these self declared brilliant and exemplary human beings eyh?

Anyways, coming back to the topic- being a person who wears her heart on her sleeve, I'd often expect the other party would already understand my intention, but NOOO these days such action are often interpreted into 3 categories:
  1. Holds no value: 'Fooling around' is just waaay too common that the display of affection holds little to no meaning them.
  2. Lets get serious: People think that just because I show that I care I want to have their babies by next year and be buried next to his grave when I die.
  3. Lets meet half way: Now these are my kind of people! Like I am not asking you to cannonball into the pool yeah? We can start by dipping our legs, see if we like it, than ascend down those awkward pool stairs, tip toe and then maybe just maybe we'll decide to swim to the deep side.
*Note:Not inclusive of those who are just not interested.

So with my limited and unpleasant experiences I've decided to stop expecting too much from people whom I have chemistry with and keep telling all these emotions creeping in to 'Keep their hands off my heart', because as much I am interested with them- most of the people these days just seem to come from the extreme ends of the spectrum, which in my opinion are; 'I'm just here for a good time' and the 'Lets get married and make babies A.S.A.P.' which gets really tiring to deal with.

So future husband, if you are wondering why I seem to be a little cautious despite me wearing my heart on my sleeve, this is why. ;)

Sunday, May 14, 2017

IM1: The one that got away

Internal monologue 1 : The one that got away

You know what sucks? When you have the right person at the wrong time... and having THAT fact engraved at the back of your memories, knowing how great it could have been.

But you gotta let go because you KNOW if you continue, all the bad things in life will just snowball from there on forward. So you both go your separate ways.

What is stupid is that everything after that just does not feel as great.. It is like you lost a part of yourself when that person left,and you wonder and wander if you could find that part of yourself ever again because every freaking day it just feels incomplete. In that incompleteness, you hope you had taken a part of them with you too; so that they feel as empty and miserable as you do.

As if it is not torturing enough that you have a gaping hole in your chest, when bad days come along and things feel like shit, those great, beautiful and painful memories break your vulnerable dam and flows back in and it starts flooding your thoughts- almost drowning in them, so you struggle, you paddle, you hold your thoughts, anything! Just to make it stop.Then when you finally get that gasp of air- you are relieved but now soaked and so those emotions echo in your thoughts- slowly but surely you start grasping, desperately looking for answers to fill that hole in your chest- as to what went wrong? What the freak did I do wrong? Why did it have to happen? Why me? Why us? How?

Because every single time, after the flood leaves, it clears up the dust off  and you can read the engraved words of- "We, were meant to be."

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

1st May 2017 Are we relevant enough now?

officially 27 in 28 days.

I am probably now more confused about the world than I ever was. Finished my diploma at the age of 21 and have been busy  ever since, been single ever since too. Done a lot of mistakes and probably will still be doing more of it in the future too.

Towards the end of 2016 I promised myself that I would start making changes in my life. This came from a dark, lonely and empty place in my life- I was feeling underachieved, taken for granted and irrelevant to and by the world. I could have crawled and hid in the cave of self pity but I have seen too much of that happening and I don't like it, not one bit.

I do not believe that things 'just happen', I believe everything happen for a reason, a part of a bigger plan- the reason might not be centralized on myself, the reason can be centralized in the reality of another person's life and I am fine with that. I feel like the world is at an egocentric, self centered oriented era- we are too obsessed about making everything about us. Ironic part of it is that we want things to be about us but through the eyes of others- in our attempt to be a better person, we strive to be a better person in the eyes of others.

People say we crave others approval because we care too much but I think we seek others approval because we are too scared to confront our demons. Ever catch yourself asking 'God' what did I do wrong or what else should I do, or even ask a lost lover what else did they want from us? Perhaps instead of those, we should be asking ourselves- what could have been the mistake I've done there?- we are too afraid to admit we made a mistake,we blame it on others- you should have told me, I have done all you have asked me to do... But did we do or did not do these things out of our own conscious & verdict or did we just let the responsibility of decision making be made & determined by an outside force despite the fact that it is our own faculties are doing the job?

So again I ask who & why are we asking when we ask 'Are we relevant enough now?'
Are we asking so that we do not have to answer it for ourselves and  so that if anything goes wrong we can pin the fault onto others and live in the comfort of "I was just doing it as I was told to do." Stop insulting the humankind by making such lazy justification.

Having all that in my mind- I made the changes I needed in reference of what I was told to do.

You can be told to get RM100'000, BUT it is you who decide to earn it with hard work or by stealing a person's Rolex and sold it off for the money.

Friday, April 7, 2017

The voices: it is tiring

The voice, she calms them down and drown them with loud and peaceful music 
She physically empties a container labelled 'heart'
In the fortified walls of her mind;
She keeps the light dim, just enough for her to see
She keeps her thoughts organized in boxes and labelled
She finds comfort in the detachment of those boxes

In a world so noisy and busy
In a world 'connected' by intangible lines
She finds it all too much;
The fake hellos drowns her
The self centered decisions stabs
The need to be relevant pinched her gut
The need to be loved puzzles her

It is tiring living in  a world where everyone is talking and you are the only one listening. It makes one wonder- do they even care about what they are saying? Do they even care who they are talking too? or were they too busy wishing that they were somewhere else as I do?

Sunday, January 22, 2017

The 1st Meetup: New Year's motivation & Inspiration

So it was my 1st time hosting a meetup, it was a nerve wrecking but also fun experience. The theme was: New year's motivation & inspiration.

Only 3 out of 9 came but we had a fun time sharing each others' life insights and got to see things in a new perspective.

Things I got out of it:
  1. Social anxiety? Go to more social events, it is not as bad as you think it is.
  2. Long term goals, mid term goals & short term goals- a bit of structure doesn't hurt anyone.
  3. Planning- plan helps with direction but don't make it absolute and be too rigid.
  4. It is never too late to experience what life has to offer.
  5. Be open to experiences and don't be afraid of opportunities.
  6. Go out & go hard but don't lose yourself.
  7. You'll fail more than you succeed, but it will be worth every bruise you get.
  8. Good decisions come from good experience, good experience comes from bad decisions.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

2016- what have we done but cause chaos and spread fear

2017 is coming, 2016 have been ridiculously interesting, and horrifyingly ridiculous. There is Malaysian's hysterically politics, murders & shootings- it weirds me out how suddenly Malaysia have these politically related "executions" - Hussain Najadi, Kevin Morais &  Altantuya Shaariibuu, then suddenly we have these businessman being shot & murdered in their cars this is not okay, this is not us Malaysian.

Not to mention Trump happened- what what? It is an american thing but lets not kid ourselves about how the USA can change the game plan since they have vito rights and the rest of the world leaders are just either with him or sitting idly by- pretty sure this includes ours.

Then the terrorist attacks justifying their actions with a warped view of jihad just keeps rising. Come on my brothers & sisters we are better than this. Though I honestly doubt they are people who see Islam as a religion rather a book to be manipulated in order to justify their sin- pick & choosing what suits their 'cause'. If they were real muslims they should know better that Allah swt calls for peace, if they wanted to help, help the war torn countries- Pakistan, Afghanistan, Syria, Palestine so on and so forth. I hope & pray somehow, someday they will realize how  messed up their views & action are.

Seriously humanity, we are better than this.