Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Not all 'friendship' is equal

Recently I have been slapped with a reality friendship check.

This is me:
As a person who values trust and loyalty, I expect the same from others. When I say we are friends I mean it- this does not mean I assume this other person feel the same for me, this is merely a gesture I offer so that the other person knows I value our alliance. However when this other person do express the same  (you are one of my best friends, I don't have many friends but you are one of them, I wouldn't forget bout you, trust me, etc.), then and only then do I put trust and loyalty in our alliances. This mutual expression of friendship to me is a mutual unspoken contract into an alliance that binds the 2 people into the duties of friendship.

However just recently, I dropped a hello to an old friend (whom previously had not replied my text twice, to which I assume due to how busy he is). So we had a conversation how things are going and so on and so forth. One of the topic was that he was getting married soon-ish. At first I was excited cos well wedding are always a good excuse to dress up but suddenly something occurred to me, 2 things to be exact:
  1. Had I not drop a hello, he would not have informed me of this wedding.
  2. He could not find the time to reply me but definitely have time to pursue a lady friend.
and at that moment it struck me our contract (that I made up in my mind) was breached. I was pissed hurt. I lashed because all I could think of was those 2 reasons and how insignificant it made me feel knowing I was the last person he bothered to communicate with. I lashed- this is a betrayal and the devaluing of our alliance and then goodbye.

So about over an hour I went over the 7 steps of grief:
  1. Shock & denial
  2. Pain & guilt
  3. Anger & bargaining
  4. Depression, reflection & loneliness
  5. The upward turn
  6. Reconstruction & working through
  7. Acceptance & hope
Skipping through the obvious, my reconstruction & working through process was- so when you said, I don't have much friend and that I am one of the few... It was just one of those 'added for extra effect only' dialogues. The statement was not said with the usual social contract that is attached to the duties of a friend more specifically friend among the acquaintances. 

Then my acceptance & hope process was- so it was all 'just a show'. A contract does not bind if only one side of the partnership agrees or even acknowledges its existence. Thus I should really be careful in trusting these expression of friendships because it may mean a lot to me, but for some it was just an exchange of conversation without any intention of fulfilling the meaning & spirit of that statement. 

Worry not, I did say sorry but not without saying it was an asshole move. - yes that is still a very immature way to deal, but honestly it was the 1st time I felt betrayed by a friend *scoff acquaintance really scoff*

Friday, August 25, 2017

Orang orang muka buku

Bila kawan baru tengok akaun Facebook aku, aku selalu teringat betapa aku tak aktif di Facebook. Nak tutup sayang- sebab ia salah satu medium komunikasi zaman baru ni, dan juga perlu diakui Facebook ada juga fungsi dan manfaatnya macam menghubungi ahli keluarga dan kawan-kawan yang dah lama tak jumpa apatah lagi nak bersembang. Facebook juga pada pendapat saya adalah salah satu cara paling mudah dan cepat untuk menyampaikan maklumat seperti majlis perkahwinan, perginya seorang manusia, memberitahu jika berlaku apa-apa kemalangan dan sebagainya.

Walau bagaimanapun aku rasa seperti makin hari makin tak minat aku dengan Facebook. Tetapi rasanya lebih kepada tawar hati dengan kandungan yang dibekalkan oleh rakan-rakan facebook aku. Antara isi kandungan yang membuatkan diri ini tertanya-tanya kenapalah aku tak tutup je akaun muka buku ni:

  1. Ahli perniagaan yang iklan all the time tapi menyamar sebagai 'just nak share untuk pengetahuan korang.' Tapi pastu bagi nombo phone.
  2. Ahli skim pyramid yang syok sendiri
  3. Orang yang setiap perkara dia buat dan berlaku padanya , dia kena kongsikan di Facebook. Termasuklah pada ketika minum air sirap  yang "sedap gila" dan kemudian  #minuman Malaysia # segar #sirap # best #comel #merah #darah #sweet 
  4. Orang yang suka menyebarkan semangat negative-nya; Ada sahaja orang yang dia tak puas hati, ada je orang 'bikin dia panas', kesimpulannya dia je lah yang betul- pendapat dan fakta orang lain adalah 'subjektif' atau salah. Dia sahaja yang betul dan sukar untuk bertolak ansur dengan orang-orang yang pendapatnya lain dari beliau.
  5. Orang yang gambar-gambar yang diambilya cantik tapi tiada context dan tujuan: Camera yang dibeli harga beribu-ribu sebab nak kualiti terbaik sebab nak gambar cantik, last skali gambar memang cantik untuk dilihat, tetapi setakat itu sahajalah- tiada context mahupun tujuan gambar itu di-ambil. 

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

How about the journey within?

Every so often people talk about going on adventures, seeing the world, constantly looking for that excitement in life. as One Republic song goes :" What doesn't kill me makes me feel alive"

So I have and also still am in this journey, seeking that excitement in life, but something just feels off. I decided to list down the questions I have for both myself and the world:

  • Am I suppose to constantly be on the go hunting for the next best thing?
  • Is there no possibility for to just be happy and thankful with a certain fundamental needs and or wants in life?
  • Are these excitements just a distraction from what I am suppose to confront?
  • What is this emptiness? Where is it coming from? the heart? The mind? The tummy? The gut?
  • and bunch of existential and functional crisis related questions.

These questions might sound redundant to some cause there is always some generic answer you can pick from a book you read, or a conversation you've had or even a movie that you relate to so much. However the fact of the matter here is that those answers are someone else's no matter how relatable or deeply connected you feel with that person's answer. Also how do you genuinely feel and think about the answers you have at hand? Do you feel that those answer fit perfectly in your puzzle arrangement or is it a bit clunky? Because I'll tell you now, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that 'that feel good answer' you have is the answer, if  its clunky- it will always be forever clunky and out of place.

The biggest question I had for myself though: "Am I asking myself the right questions?"
Ever gone through a situation where you just can't seem to solve riddle no matter how hard you try to frame it, but then when you take a step back to chill then out of nowhere suddenly 'you see the light'. That is what I mean, could it be possible that all these years of living of the majestic forests and selfless plants I have been asking and answering all the wrong questions?

When I was looking for a passion I was looking at something I could do for 'fun', but that is not passion; That is entertainment.,Passion is something that when you do, you can feel your heart, mind, body and soul are engaged in it no matter how easy or hard or even insufferable things are in your pursuit to accomplish it. It is like somehow deep down you KNOW it will and it is worth every inch of your blood and perspiration. This is one of many change of perspective I've gone through.

Open up your mind, allow it to access information, empower it to analyse and make its own conclusion from those information it attained. Don't forget to be wise enough to not force yourself on 'things that are beyond your capability to comprehend it'- respect the nature of knowledge and enlightenment.

The way I see it; the mainstream media have been lobbying the concept of gaining excitement and achievement through physical experience way to hard that it has now become our reality, when in actuality, back then life excitement and achievement went beyond the human 5 senses (sight,hearing, taste, smell and touch) it was also through the exploration of the mind and heart itself- the journeys and adventures within ourselves.

Perhaps the question is not what makes you feel good, rather the question should be: What feels right? Lets face it, there are a handful of the things that makes you feel good somehow give you an aftertaste of 'that felt wrong', and then we seek comfort in our justification. So why are we not seeking what feels good and feels right too? Are we so scared of reality? Afraid to wake up and face our own demon?

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Hands off my heart

This post is inspired by the song MKTO - Hands off my heart

2017, 27 years old. 
The world is becoming much more foreign to me each day.

I am more of an old school person, I wear my heart on my sleeve- no games, if I am interested I'll tell you, if I am not- I'll express the disinterest as well. Because of this, I've been viewed as 'desperate' or 'prude' by these 'open minded' and 'liberal' people- maybe I am, but I would think that if a person is open minded they would have been able to understand people better (how others are more traditional in their views, how some are skeptical, how some are obscene and so on and so forth) as their mind are 'open', but hey who am I to dictate the free mind of these self declared brilliant and exemplary human beings eyh?

Anyways, coming back to the topic- being a person who wears her heart on her sleeve, I'd often expect the other party would already understand my intention, but NOOO these days such action are often interpreted into 3 categories:
  1. Holds no value: 'Fooling around' is just waaay too common that the display of affection holds little to no meaning them.
  2. Lets get serious: People think that just because I show that I care I want to have their babies by next year and be buried next to his grave when I die.
  3. Lets meet half way: Now these are my kind of people! Like I am not asking you to cannonball into the pool yeah? We can start by dipping our legs, see if we like it, than ascend down those awkward pool stairs, tip toe and then maybe just maybe we'll decide to swim to the deep side.
*Note:Not inclusive of those who are just not interested.

So with my limited and unpleasant experiences I've decided to stop expecting too much from people whom I have chemistry with and keep telling all these emotions creeping in to 'Keep their hands off my heart', because as much I am interested with them- most of the people these days just seem to come from the extreme ends of the spectrum, which in my opinion are; 'I'm just here for a good time' and the 'Lets get married and make babies A.S.A.P.' which gets really tiring to deal with.

So future husband, if you are wondering why I seem to be a little cautious despite me wearing my heart on my sleeve, this is why. ;)

Sunday, May 14, 2017

IM1: The one that got away

Internal monologue 1 : The one that got away

You know what sucks? When you have the right person at the wrong time... and having THAT fact engraved at the back of your memories, knowing how great it could have been.

But you gotta let go because you KNOW if you continue, all the bad things in life will just snowball from there on forward. So you both go your separate ways.

What is stupid is that everything after that just does not feel as great.. It is like you lost a part of yourself when that person left,and you wonder and wander if you could find that part of yourself ever again because every freaking day it just feels incomplete. In that incompleteness, you hope you had taken a part of them with you too; so that they feel as empty and miserable as you do.

As if it is not torturing enough that you have a gaping hole in your chest, when bad days come along and things feel like shit, those great, beautiful and painful memories break your vulnerable dam and flows back in and it starts flooding your thoughts- almost drowning in them, so you struggle, you paddle, you hold your thoughts, anything! Just to make it stop.Then when you finally get that gasp of air- you are relieved but now soaked and so those emotions echo in your thoughts- slowly but surely you start grasping, desperately looking for answers to fill that hole in your chest- as to what went wrong? What the freak did I do wrong? Why did it have to happen? Why me? Why us? How?

Because every single time, after the flood leaves, it clears up the dust off  and you can read the engraved words of- "We, were meant to be."

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

1st May 2017 Are we relevant enough now?

officially 27 in 28 days.

I am probably now more confused about the world than I ever was. Finished my diploma at the age of 21 and have been busy  ever since, been single ever since too. Done a lot of mistakes and probably will still be doing more of it in the future too.

Towards the end of 2016 I promised myself that I would start making changes in my life. This came from a dark, lonely and empty place in my life- I was feeling underachieved, taken for granted and irrelevant to and by the world. I could have crawled and hid in the cave of self pity but I have seen too much of that happening and I don't like it, not one bit.

I do not believe that things 'just happen', I believe everything happen for a reason, a part of a bigger plan- the reason might not be centralized on myself, the reason can be centralized in the reality of another person's life and I am fine with that. I feel like the world is at an egocentric, self centered oriented era- we are too obsessed about making everything about us. Ironic part of it is that we want things to be about us but through the eyes of others- in our attempt to be a better person, we strive to be a better person in the eyes of others.

People say we crave others approval because we care too much but I think we seek others approval because we are too scared to confront our demons. Ever catch yourself asking 'God' what did I do wrong or what else should I do, or even ask a lost lover what else did they want from us? Perhaps instead of those, we should be asking ourselves- what could have been the mistake I've done there?- we are too afraid to admit we made a mistake,we blame it on others- you should have told me, I have done all you have asked me to do... But did we do or did not do these things out of our own conscious & verdict or did we just let the responsibility of decision making be made & determined by an outside force despite the fact that it is our own faculties are doing the job?

So again I ask who & why are we asking when we ask 'Are we relevant enough now?'
Are we asking so that we do not have to answer it for ourselves and  so that if anything goes wrong we can pin the fault onto others and live in the comfort of "I was just doing it as I was told to do." Stop insulting the humankind by making such lazy justification.

Having all that in my mind- I made the changes I needed in reference of what I was told to do.

You can be told to get RM100'000, BUT it is you who decide to earn it with hard work or by stealing a person's Rolex and sold it off for the money.